Several weeks ago, Forest came back to celebrate CNY with his family. One evening we were walking back from dinner and we started humming a cartoon tune that we used to watch as kids. People started looking at us like we were idiots.
I thought about this scene today and it reminded me of one fact about my life recently: I am no longer having fun. From waking up and getting myself dressed to walking to the office, grabbing my daily coffee and breakfast, to going to boxing periodically, everything feels like a task, with a purpose. I’m reading this annual report to find the next investment opportunity, to make money, I’m going to boxing or sparring to get better – I’m thinking about my breathing, my footwork, head movement, my jab, I’m anxious to try and get everything perfect. I’m thinking about planning a hang out with somebody because it’s been a while and I’m thinking about how to cultivate a better friendship. But amongst this, I’m no longer having fun.
I saw a picture that was taken from a bird eye’s view of Alyssa Liu’s final movement during her gold medal performance. She was smiling and fully immersed in the moment. As she puts it, that’s what matters to her, she is graceful to herself when she is struggling and always asserts there is something positive with the struggle. And the moment she isn’t having fun, she finds ice skating no longer worthwhile. One could argue that with work everything becomes ritualistic, it’s impossible to love something for that long and have fun all the time, if my hobbies were to become a job, would I still enjoy them? That is a fair point, and a point I would make; but thinking about it longer, can’t it? Buffett lives 10 minutes away from his office, and as he would put it, he taps dance to work. I like investing and boxing and that’s why I put my energy towards it, but do I love it to an extent that I’m tap dancing? I don’t think so. Or, I don’t know frankly. All I know is I’m no longer having fun. I feel like I haven’t been funny in a while, tell a good joke, the monotony is becoming my personality. I miss when I was a kid that I would be so obnoxiously annoying that teachers would hate me. I miss having fun.
I remember taking an uber back come in London one night. I had this Polish driver who was so happy. He was so enthusiastic to a point where I think I said, “you seem very happy,” in which he replied, “Oh yes, I am. What’s not to be happy about?” He then proceeded to talk about his wife and kids and life in Poland versus London. I don’t know if he was as happy as let on when he is by himself. But in the moment, this demonstrates a philosophical truth about life and meaning – there are some people, even myself, who gets distracted into thinking that life is all about fighting the struggle. That Sisyphus needs to bite down his tongue and do his best to rebel against his fate. That you should go to the gym despite being undisciplined and lazy because you know it is good for you – but beyond that, what those people are missing perhaps, is joy. What if you can be happy going to the gym? What if you can be so in love with your work that the joy from doing it is inevitable?
In Zen practices, a monk will practice an art of water calligraphy called Enso, where by writing on water paper the characters immediately disappear the minute they write it. Buddhist monks in Tibet practice Sand Mandalas where they spend weeks creating a painting but destroy it in seconds.
You are what you love. And I hope I can find joy in the process again.
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