***A personal rant to all the readers before reading the current piece: if you have read a piece, please let me know your thoughts! The purpose of this blog is to build a community and share thoughts amongst each other. If I only wanted to write for myself, I have a journal. There are some who used to tell me what they think about each release, now they just like it without saying anything! That bothers me.
Anyways, I am also putting a lot of effort into these posts. I have a very special blog post coming out soon that will surprise everyone – so, again, if you’ve read it, lmk! Thanks***
I was in Toronto almost a month ago visiting Bryan. And in one of the evenings after I had released Mathew’s edition in the infamous “My friends” series, both Bryan and his girlfriend made passive-aggressive remarks about the lack of a post for my good friend Bryan – it was then, when I realized, that the next post in this series must be about him, and I must write well.
The truth is, I have already composed a piece on Bryan even prior to visiting Toronto. But I never released it. As it felt inadequate, perhaps even a bit gay, to release a blog post about someone whom I am sharing a flat with.
The present post was written a few months back – when I read it back, there are many more things I could add. But I decided not to, as that seems to be the beauty of time and growth – which, is also the perfect description of Bryan’s short life so far.
Friendship is a tough problem.
I think Camus summed it up pretty well, “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” When I was younger, I would made unreasonable demands to my friends – an everlasting friendship that carried the same enthusiasm and feelings throughout its long life. But as you get a little older (and lose friends), you realize what really matters is simply the companion. Any additional gestures – whether that be actions or feelings – should be treated as a gift.
Although we have very different lives – including different geographies, different relationship statuses, and different routines and hobbies – Bryan and I have been friends in the truest sense.
I think the key dominator between Bryan and I is that we both share similar struggles. And we are always talking about the road ahead. For example, he would tell me that he just talked to the biggest guy in his gym and asked what his training routine is. And I would tell him about a cool new protocol that I’m testing or a pretentious new philosophical thought.
The end of a melody is not its’ goal. Nor does it know it will end. The purpose of melody is to be played – and when you’re on the gambling table, you must be willing to roll them bones. Bryan has come up short many times. But what has been certain is that Bryan has continually put himself on the line, failed, and stood back up again. I have seen him been disappointed in life, in love, and in himself. But I have never seen him give up.
But who knows? Is it possible that either Bryan or I will be hit by a bus tomorrow? Certainly. Is there any way to know that this friendship will last 10 more years or even 20? Certainly not. And who knows whether we will be the person we want to be at the end of a lifetime or become homeless bums? I, certainly, don’t know. What I do know is this: if today was my last, and I have the great fortune to spend it freely, I would have dinner with Bryan, along with a few others, and talk and laugh until my time is up.
I found my old phone recently and went through old photos and conversations. I cringed at most things and laughed at myself. When I look back at my conversations with Bryan, I thought to myself, “We’ve both came so far.” There are screenshots of him telling me how he wants to break up with an old girlfriend and me telling him about another school that rejected me. A few years later, he is in a new relationship for over 2 years now, and I am moving on to the real world and working soon. When I compare the texts we send each other in that old phone and the ones we send each other today, well, I’m just glad we are both in a better place.
The key to poker is playing the same hands better than everyone does, and not expecting to get better hands. In similar fashion, no one can control their luck in the ovarian lottery. Some people win, and some people don’t. But it shouldn’t matter. The only thing one can control is how one plays its cards. And both Bryan and I have tried our best to recognize our frailties and work our way to improve it. I remember texting Bryan once, “If I really get X (for the sake of privacy lol) one day, I might shed a tear.”
I remember Carl Jung once said something like, “The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.” That is so very true. In the end, it is important to forget about expectations conditioned to you and find out who you really are. Whether that is childhood trauma or other outside forces that you couldn’t control, try and forget about that, and just focus on your hand – it really doesn’t matter if you win or lose. Sisyphus is brave in my book, and that’s all that matters.
For those who know Bryan well enough, you will know that he wasn’t always a great student. We were both never at the top of our classes. As I wrote before, however, in the middle of high school, he decided to change that – and it doesn’t matter where that got him. What matters is the character in him that allowed that to happen.
I have found that Bryan is one of my only friends that openly admits his regrets and mistakes during high school. He would tell me how he regretted not being better friends with a certain person, or even trying to be better friends. For one, he would tell me how he regretted not trying to be better friends with Mathew. And he has in fact reached out to Mathew himself and told him that. Such humility is why every time the name Bryan is brought up, Mathew has nothing but kind things to say.
It seems like a simple thing, but you would be surprised how many people let their ego get in the way and won’t even admit their mistakes.
Humans are social animals. And we always need friends, and we definitely need love. But we enjoy a higher level of consciousness than most animals, which is why it is important to decide which friends we want to love and be loved by. Buffett once said, “you move in the direction of those around you.” A young black kid who grew up in a gang-infested area will much more likely adopt those behavior and the culture conditioned to him. That might be a terrible example, but you get the point – choose your friends wisely, and it is a great luxury to have friends better than you.
If Bryan is reading this, I want him to know that he’s doing great and shouldn’t get beat down so often. Sometimes he will text me and mention a particular problem and how he’s a little disappointed in himself – but if you look at all the GOATs in investing, you will find that they usually don’t finish any year with the best returns. Instead, they simply try to be in the top quartile consistently every year. Consistency wins the game. Trying to aim for either extreme of the pendulum will only cause imbalance and you will ruin your own progress. As Mathew once reminded me, both Buddhism and Kipling will tell you, “If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same…” You’ll be a man! My son.
Recently he texted me how he felt he got lucky with his current girlfriend – but, Bryan, I think she got lucky too.
For some reason, some arbitrary wiring perhaps, I sometimes experience a deep sadness – a consequence of a reflective personality perhaps. When this happens, I may go for a walk, a drive, head to the gym, or write. Whatever remedy I pursue that day, I always reach a similar conclusion: that I have been incredibly lucky. Despite the negatives, I have been dealt a good hand. And I have friends like Bryan who makes life a little more worthwhile. But a gambler who never bets can never be described as lucky. The lunatic who shoves all in and hits his straight on the river is the lucky one – to be lucky, you will need agency. “The harder I work, the luckier I get.”
If I was being honest, I have tried drafting several pieces for this post. I even lost a few drafts. But with every piece it felt like something was missing – including this one – and I realized it was because I was trying to tell a complete story with a happy ending. Where in reality it is an incomplete story, with no definitive ending.
I don’t know where this friendship will end. Or where Bryan and I will end up – time will tell, but I feel good about it so far.
And to end this blog, I return to my mental model originally mentioned: if I had one chance to say something about Bryan, or to him, what would I say?
There’s a saying in ancient Chinese philosophy, “夫子之道至大也，故天下莫能容夫子…不容和如，不容然后见君子”
Above all, Bryan is a good person – like Mathew, a virtuous person. But what I have sometimes observed from his dealings in life is that he gets disappointed at the results of good intentions. And because Bryan, fundamentally, is virtuous, he sometimes experiences these disappointments more deeply than others.
But that’s okay – life is bound to disappoint sometimes. It is those exact moments, when things are not going your way, where the real virtues expose themselves.
“不容和如，不容然后见君子”
I am an incredibly hard person to be friends with. I really am. I don’t say this to glorify myself and to attract some kind of undeserved nobility; I see it as a piece, along with a million other pieces, that I have received from the ovarian lottery – Bryan, on the other hand, though fundamentally introverted as well, is a much better, and easier, person to befriend: he is kind, loyal, and genuinely cares for his friends. He doesn’t spiel a sarcastic comment like I do and demonize myself to the room; nor does he judge people as quickly, and perhaps sometimes shallowly, as I do. In every way, I have been incredibly lucky meeting, and befriending Bryan.
From playing basketball in middle school together to applying to universities and then to living out the realities we have chosen, Bryan and I have come a long way. Throughout our short life, the iron rule of life again reinforces itself, and we have both encountered challenges that we had to learn to overcome – or perhaps even worse, looking back at the youthful memories of ourselves, and regret not being wiser earlier.
No matter the circumstance, I trust Bryan and I will continue to confront ourselves, with us serving both as the sculptor and the sculpture, trying to smooth our rough edges, fighting back against the absurdity of the world.
Amongst this absurd story, I wish Bryan the best of luck, though I doubt he needs it.
Written in Hong Kong,
Yang
Alistair's blog 