Alistair's blog

Camus famously opened The Stranger with, “Mother died today. Or maybe it was yesterday, I don’t know.” That’s how I felt with my graduation ceremony, which happened yesterday, or maybe the day before. That is usually how farewells happen – on an ordinary afternoon, at an unexpected hour, some stories, and some people, come to an end.

When I reflect on my college experience, many things come to mind. I could talk about the good, the bad, and maybe even the ugly. I could tell you about my fondest college memory or my worst. I can tell you about the London experience, the friends I made, the friends I didn’t make, or the self-exploration journey I went on. I can talk about the anticlimactic graduation ceremony or the bittersweet moments after.

I still remember my first few days in London – Forest and I arrived at this empty apartment, and we started to buy every little thing that we needed from different stores we could find. I remember we went on John Lewis and ordered plates, utensils, blankets, and other essentials but when they arrived, we realized we didn’t have scissors to open them. A lot has happened since those early days and a few years later I am entering the work force while Forest will be going to Cambridge soon for grad studies.

I’ve learnt many lessons throughout my university days – both willingly and unwillingly. So, unlike previous blog posts, I wanted to use this post to highlight some of these lessons that I intend to take with me in future endeavors.

The first lesson I learnt is that you need to be bolder with making friends. There are a lot of things that could prevent from saying the first “hello.” They could have a different age, race, major, or even personality. But don’t limit yourself and don’t self-sabotage. Be the first to make a conversation and offer authenticity – over time, you will gather honest and authentic friends in return. Sometimes people are more willing to connect with you if you simply put in the effort and show an interest.

• Work Harder.

If you’re in a game, committed, play the hand to the best of your ability – whatever you think is hard work, work harder. Don’t leave regrets and don’t limit yourself. Overall, I did fine academically and wrote a solid thesis – but I could have done more, and I could have pushed myself even further on certain exams and assignments.

• Humility.

You can learn something from everyone.

• Find a third space.

Explore a hobby that you enjoy and a third space that you can go regularly.

• Invest in your well-being and health.

Being physically healthy is necessary.

• Take advantage of compounding.

Include creative and useful habits in your life and let compounding take care of the rest.

• Read good books and explore yourself.

We know so little of ourselves. Try to explore and find yourself through different means. In the end, an important goal is to become yourself.

• Take life lightly, smile more.

• If you’re bold enough, you’re going to suffer.

Adopt a Buddhist attitude: face the cycles with an equanimity – “This too shall pass.”

• Wherever your fear is lies your task.

Ask yourself what is a great fear that you have and work from there.

• Host social events.

It’s a great way to connect with all your friends. And people will appreciate your efforts.

• Eliminate unworthy friends.

If someone takes more than they give away, be ruthless, and eliminate those negative people out of your life.

• You move in the direction of your friends, so choose them wisely.

• Introduce randomness into your life.

Go to a random event and don’t expect anything – just try and introduce randomness into your life sometimes and let fate take care of the results.

• Be kind.

I was walking with my friend Filip the other day (who, by the way, is in a very questionable relationship with a particular female. Filip, if you’re reading this, I highly recommend you don’t date this girl seriously!), and he asked me, “What is your happiest memory during university?”

I thought about it and said something. But honestly, reflecting on the question more, I really don’t know. I guess I am the happiest when I am laughing, so the moments where I was laughing and joking around with friends.

But what is a better question, in my opinion, is “What is your worst memory?”

It seems to me that the most common causes of temporary depression, at least amongst my circle (not that I’m going to start naming names), are:

• Heartbreak (both losing love and failing to acquire love)

• Physical insecurities (like gaining weight or gym-related problems)

• Loneliness

• Social issues (not making friends; losing friends; not making good friends;)

• Academic

• Career (failing to land a job or failing to land a satisfactory job)

• Trauma (most commonly familial relationships)

And

• Self-actualization issues (when your desire does not match your expectations)

The key characteristic that I observed to be useful in these disappointments is the courage to face these realities agnostically.

A fundamental fact of life is that it’s unpredictable – no matter how sure you are of something, things can change. If I reflect to a few years back, when I was graduating high school, I would have never guessed how my life ended up today: I lost friends that I thought would keep for much longer. I became friends again with certain people that I thought I would never talk to. I’ve gone through happy moments that will serve my memory forever but also went through difficult periods where I was forced to adapt and grow. You can think of the swings as God’s test, and you need to take those challenges diligently.

Yesterday evening I met a mutual person that Mathew and I know back from high school. And she is not doing well – a lot has happened since high school, and she hasn’t reacted and coped well to those realities. It again reinforces what good ol Charlie says, and that the iron rule of life is that everyone struggles. It continues to show me that these swings of depression and euphoria are almost unavoidable. And when I was talking about her situation with Mathew, I really do feel empathy as well as trying to give her my best rational advice and observations – but in the end, no friend can lead you out of the darkest moment. During our conversation I could tell there were some moments where she just wanted me to be there and listen to her vent than giving my observations. But the reason I didn’t do that too frequently is because we were not great friends, and I didn’t want her to misconstrue me as someone I am not. In the end, it is incredibly hard, I know, but you must find the courage to walk out of these darkest moments alone – your friends are not there to lead you, but to be by your side as you embark on these journeys.

I wish her all the best.

Let’s move on to something more cheerful. I want to thank all the individuals who have made up my university experience – I still remember 4 years ago, where I had to choose between going to school in China, UK, or the US. And my entire family and extended family all strongly urged me to stay in China – a recommendation that I rejected. After my decision was announced, a particular relative (college professor) said to me, “This will be the worst decision of your life.”

I guess when he uttered those words, he did not predict all the wonderful people I would meet. So, thank you all!

Personally – and I have alluded to this in previous blog posts – I want to reiterate how important my friends are to me. When Alex and I were young boys sitting on the bus together, I would sometimes put my earphones and look out the window the entire bus ride, without a smile on my face – Alex eventually took a photo of me doing the same thing one morning and made his first WeChat sticker with it. I think that sums up my relationship style with people in general ever since I was a kid – because of my upbringing, people and friends always acted like a bonfire to me, where I always had to maintain a certain distance. If I got too close, I would scorch myself and run away from the fire, but then shiver in solitude, blaming that the fire is unfriendly.

But since my adult days, I have met many wonderful people who have been so kind to me, despite my flaws. On top of Mathew, Bryan, Alex, Forest, and others that I already mentioned, other people that I have met in university have all tolerated me and tried to be my friend (for example, Dan, Filip, and Sherry who are all avid readers of this blog!)– I don’t know what I did to deserve this great fortune, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you all. I hope I am, if not someday become, the type of person you all are proud to be friends with.

And to end this post, I would like to leave something for my fellow friends who have already graduated, friends who have just graduated with me, and those who are still awaiting their graduation ceremony: remember that life, no matter what it’s potentially meaningless nature may be, allows one attempt, per person, randomly – you do not get to decide to only play the game when you are the most equipped. Instead, this present moment, the whole world, maybe even God, is interrogating you – you’ve been given the entry ticket, what are you going to do with it?

The great beauty of the rules of life is that as long as you in the mud, struggling, trying, no one can judge you, not even yourself – so, have the courage to try. Don’t be on the sidelines. I hope I, as well as my friends, become people who can leave a mark wherever they passed, like a strike of lightning, who makes its presence known; and become a person who people only want to know more of, someone interesting that people gravitate towards and enjoy spending time with.

Live a life, that if you were cursed to live it again and again, with nothing new in it, you would scream in excitement and not gnash your teeth in despair – you will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. Remember that the absurd is not the ending, but rather the beginning: and if you look beyond the useful, the money and the vanity, you will find the useless, like love, to be extraordinary. And then, perhaps like Camus, you will find that in your darkest moments, perhaps even in the midst of winter, you can find an invincible summer within you, pushing back against the world, saying, “Is that all you got?”

And if the ghost of unrealized ambitions, at the end of your life, comes to you by your bedside, and asks you the qualifying question separating heaven and hell, “Have you tried your best?”

What would you say?

I wish everyone all the best and thank you for all the memories.

Written in London,

from the very city which has taught me so much, and forever where some of my memories take place. Thank you, London, and goodbye for now.

Yang